Like the Oscars…..but better!
(Warning, strong language, potentially bloody awful grammar and descriptions that may leave faint those of a nervous disposition follow (but no nudity I’m afraid)).
It was one year ago to this very day that sonmi and the Cloud first alighted upon the blogosphere after wandering in the wilderness for many aeons, knowing not if she would be staying for long, or flying off lightly after a few cautious transmissions. She was here only for the words and it was the words that insisted she remain, at first. Inspiration is here in the aether, if you look for it in the right places, behind an old broken Grandfather clock, under that heavy sundial in the garden, flittering softly above the rafters, tucked into the worn patchwork pocket of a gaudy apron, resting gently along the edge of a cracked dado rail. In essence, within other unusual blogs, constructed by
loons wildly unusual people. Not power-bloggers, nor day to day diary bloggers (both of which are just fine-diddley-ine for others).
Such inspiration and enjoyment has been gleaned from some very unique people/aliens/artists/wraiths/ in the past twelve months. (Probably not so much the wraiths part.) In order to celebrate our first anniversary here, and thank those who have enriched this dimension, this time, the Cloud and I are having a prestigious award ceremony this very day! There shall be many categories and it will be loads and loads and loads better than the Oscars. Black tie is not requisite, but spinning bow ties, capes, manikinis, tutus and snoods are encouraged.
The nominees have been chosen by a panel of highly respected official adjudicators (probably) after much discussion held over many a long night involving numerous tiny cups of black coffee, a large bong and eight packets of Jammy Dodgers.
All nominees and winners shall have their blog listed with links to the specific posts of theirs which highlights the reason for their glorious achievement.
Some people have won multiple awards, some none at all. Get a grip, life is hard and it’s not like I make the rules here. Please do not feel you are being judged (you are, but please don’t feel it), it would be closer to the mark to say you are being appreciated. beams a winning smile as the crowd shifts uneasily in a dissenting fashion
All categories are deadly serious, but can take a joke at their own expense, so feel free to chortle away, and, if you deem fitting, throw a few coppers into the cloth cap lying on the floor at the Cloud’s entrance.
Some of the winners were incredibly tricky to choose, indeed once or twice there are joint, nay even thriple (a troposphere word) victors. In this case said victors must exit the Cloud and fight to the death in the nearest field with only sporks as weapons.
If you do not receive an award or are not nominated in any category this is not due to any shortfalls nor unworthiness upon your part, please be assured of that. No siree. It is probably because you aren’t as mad as toast.
We have tried to be fair ensuring all who are deserving get their just desserts, however, there is no pleasing some – all complaints should be sent on a stamped addressed envelope to my agent who is residing in the skies at present at the following address;
6 Scrattchett Street,
The lights go down and the crowd finally shut the hell up;
The first award is the…
‘Most prolific blogger without at any point being as dull as a wet dishrag award.’
Any Tom, Dick or Jemima can write reams, but often, said reams are utter tosh. This award is for one who keeps masses entertained as their fingers flash away upon the keyboard, and posts as near as dammit daily, sometimes twice, thrice or more if the nurse doesn’t get their meds to them on time.
1. Robin Ince – Quantum Entangled in Mangled Language
2. Doobster – Cleaning up my act
3. The President and Founder – Ladies and Gentlemen, I want you to know (E)
4. Mb Man – Gay Hating Bakeries – Enough of this S*% Already!
5. Dale Harkness – Life at the Beehive
6. Michael S. DeBurger (masodo) – Blogdogit
And the winner is……….drum roll……Doobster! *presents him with a tin foil hat and a pair of steam fuelled roller skates for the hills in San Fran
Next we have the…
‘Tickle-me Emo Clever Clogs Award’.
This award represents the capability to publish a blog which is as clever as a pair of well heeled clogs, whilst also being highly amusing at the same time. The nominees are….
1. The President and Founder – Top Comments
2. Robin Ince – “Oh let me get my hands on your mammary glands, but pray god, never let it be known they have a function”, gasped Morrissey, as he rode pillion on on his Vespa
3. The Human Cyclist – Jelly legs, iron will – Cycling in Wales
4. Doobster – The Milk Sprayer
And the winner is….rolling pin……The President and Founder! presents him with a gold pan scrubber, a Phoenix feather to put in his hat-band and a bag of pear drops
Third in line we have…
‘Best political Satire and/or social commentary award’.
One who gives a consistently high levels of cutting edge issues regarding the powers that be, in some cases with the sharpest of wits and quills. A very tough one to choose this…
1. Pride’s Purge – Terminal cancer patients now expected to attend work interviews or lose welfare support
2. Vigilant Lens – Bob Hope hated Gonzaga
3. The Void – There Is No Greater Enemy To Sick And Disabled People In The UK Than This Company: Join The Day of Action Against Maximus – March 2nd 2015
4. Shit’s gotta stop – Flaky Frisbees
5. Robin Ince – And the atheists torched the tinsel and smote the myrrh
6. Doobster – Stirring the pot
7. MB man – Charlie Hebdo
8. Jeff Nguyen – Genius take the wheel
And the winner is……..* vegetable spring roll…..wow, there’s two of them! Pride’s Purge, and The Vigilant Lens have tied! Congratulations boys, here are your sporks! hands over two white plastic sporks and a bib each (made from children’s tears), and shoos them out of the fire exit.
Followed swiftly by…
‘The most interesting blog examining literature and wordiness in general.’
There are many such blogs upon the surface of WordPress, but as I don’t follow them all, it is, (I believe the correct terminology follows) – ‘tough titties’ to them.
1. E-Tinkerbell – Hamlet’s depression
2. Letters of Note – I am very real
3. Word Nerdery – Tests, Têtes, Heads and Skulls
4. The Paris Review – No Object
5. Shit’s Gotta Stop – (for all the ‘words of the moment’ posts) – Word Of The Moment #2
And the winner is……rollerdisco.….Letters of Note! *presents Letters of Note with an wurtzite boron nitride envelope, and a book of stamps featuring sonmi’s face gurning from behind the Cloud
Flying in from the Bermuda Triangle here’s the…
‘2014 – 15 ‘What the Fuck are you on about?’ award.’
Many who come across the nominees blogs will back away crying, frightened, no longer sure if the walls of their rooms are solid anymore, and suddenly desperately concerned that they have left the hot tap running at home. The very best of us shines her nails upon the cloud find it all quite mesmerizing. Nuts, but good nuts like Brazil or Cashews rather than Walnuts or Pecans (bleah). They are so clever that they themselves often have not a blue clue in hell what on earth (debatable) they are on about, yet they are also capable of self deprecation and sparkling humour when they aren’t grinning at their visages in the mirror looking as pleased as punch and hugging themselves.
The nominees are……
1. President and Founder – Consider the Circumstances
2. Museworthy Man – Where are You?
3. Hariod – Mood Balloons
4. The Professor VJ – THE PL Newsletter VIII
5. Jess – – ARE YOU CEREAL?
6. Robbrownaswood – Confessions from the shame circle – decardia
And the winner is…….*sausage roll (vegan mind)….It’s darn impossible not to have a tie here, so the winners are…..Museworthy Man and The President and Founder!! presents Museworthy Man with two tin cans joined together with a piece of slightly tatty string theory, a small box of dark mutterings, and a red pilot pen half full of ink for emergencies, then places a garland of Matchbox cars from the 1970’s around The President and Founder’s neck, gives him an adamantine hatpin on a purple velvet cushion and tucks a pair of human hair washing up gloves in his jacket pocket. They choose their sporks…
Still with me? Sprays the crowd briefly with a hosepipe to wake them up. Good. Ok, . Next up is The Cloud’s….
‘Special achievement award for services given to the blogosphere.’
No nominees here as there is only one who qualifies. A chap who spends a great deal of his time sharing and promoting other folks blogs, and always manages to be both amusing and engaging, whilst rarely blowing his own trumpet (if you’d like to actually see him blow his own trumpet I believe he performs at The Sleazy Snake Club once a month on a Saturday night about ten pm.)
I give you………masodo! presents him with a pair of spinning nipple tassels and a blow up zombie doll – don’t tell the misses eh masodo? winks slyly
Now the award for…
‘The most fabulous and imaginative photographic images taken and created by a blogger’
These people are adept at showing the whole world of you strange humans in an unusual and refreshing light. The nominees are;
1. Anarette – Mystical Sphinx
2. Rabirius – How to turn back into a toy
3. The President and Founder – In the land of Uragudrar I once did do battle with a mighty dragon* *after exhausting all other means of resolving our differences peacefully
4. The Vigilant Lens – Homogenized for your Consumption
5. Jess – Turtle Tuesday Wishing for Fish Friday
6. Nobody Knows Jan – Mangled… mangroves
And the winner is…..roll, roll, roll your boat.…..Rabirius! *throws some paper planes at his head and fills his arms with pineapples
The Nazis are here! But only grammar ones thankfully! winks This is the award for…
‘The Most Pedantic and Meticulous of all Grammar Guvnors‘.
They can’t let a spellink mtsake got past without calling your affention to it. It’s more of an affliction readlly, but actually a damun useful one for writers, so befriend them, leave treats out on the lawn in the evenings so they may come to trust you. They rarely bite I find. Some folks may run off at speed when corrected, but some will take it all in good merriment, simply waiting patiently for the one day in the history of the world when they too put a foot wrong in a literary sense, then pow! In you’ll go like the proverbial Flynn. *sonmi has purposely left many spelling mistakes throughout this whole post for them.
And the winner, by a pedantic hair is…….Hariod! *presents her with a mug full of The Milky Way, a solid gold tamborine, and seven seditious scribes from Caesarea.
Now onto the arts!
‘The Soaring Artful Soul award’
For one who excels whilst swimming into the depths of their imagination and seeing the universe through a thousands shining prisms then capturing it artistically.
1. Jess – Glue Gun Chronicles & More Art
2. Rabirius – A New Coat of Paint
3. Dale Harkness –The FBI Files
4. The President and Founder – “I am sick with apprehension”
5. Lestaret – The Latest Book Installment
6. Miriam Louise – K’gari
And the winner is……..*electric rollers…..There’s two of them!! Jess and The President and Founder!! gives them both their ceremonial sporks, hands Jess a doll and a drum and a kick up the bum, and gives The President and Founder a lifetime free pass to the Dog Collar Museum in Leeds UK, and a portable, extendable chin rest for those long nights typing away or drooling.
The next one is for the blogger…
‘Most likely to be a serial killer on the sly, but you’d still take a chance and invite them round for afternoon tea award’.
Now come on, which of you wouldn’t be thrilled to win this one?!!
The nominees are…….
1. Professor VJ
2. MB man
4. The President and Founder
6. Hariod falls about
8. Museworthy Man
And the winner is…...Professor VJ!
(Of course time will tell there). *presents him with a Hannibal lecter mask made entirely out of dried pasta and a patchwork sheath for his laptop embroidered with the words “You don’t have to be a serial killer to work here, but I clearly am anyway”.
sonmi laughs, but keeps one eye open when she sleeps
Skipping towards us merrily through the woods now is…
‘The Jackanory best storyteller in the blogosphere award’
For one who has a voice with such warming tones that just hearing the words tumble from their lips has you settled in a comfy rocky chair, by an open coal fire on a cold winters night as they spins their tales.
- MW Moore – Darcy the Weaver (a quite beautiful story, I highly recommend you watch and listen all the way through to the end.)
2. The President and Founder – Ladies and Gentlemen, I want you to know (in reality The President’s vocal repertoire would have you shaking in your boots and hiding under the bed covers, wishing you had put a plastic sheet on the mattress, so I don’t reckon his chances much here, but no one else has given a sample of their voice see? Not that such information takes anything away from the winner, because this award was entirely created with him in mind anyway).
And with no further ado, (well perhaps just a bit of a do, a small gathering shall we say with some ‘nibbles’ but not a full buffet and no DJ), the winner is…..MW Moore! gives him a rocking chair carved by the Brothers Grimm and a hat fashioned from rainbows
Next we have the award for…
‘The ‘Spreading and sharing the highest levels of soothing awareness and enlightenment.’
This is for one who will take you to another cosmic plane should you let them – loosen your mind’s corset stays and let it fly on the slip stream for a while when you visit…
And the winner is…….*clashes some tiny finger cymbals *…..Hariod! presents her with a beanbag of power which also makes loud farting noises when sat upon, a Sid James mask, the elixir of life, and forty pence worth of sweets from the corner shop.
Mooching about in the shadows we have…
‘The Palinole Perfectionist’s Perfect Purple Prose Award 2014 – 15’
A wielder of the wildest most wonderous of words, the nominees are intensely skilled, and intently intense with their tenses when scratching away with their magic quills. Nothing is ever quite completely finished to perfection for their whirligig minds, but to the rest of us the results are often works of art that stand alone even from their true meaning, (which in some cases is hidden in a creased folder, in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying ‘Beware of the Leopard.”**).
I give you…the nominees;
1. Robbrownaswood – I am the Birdman
2. The President and Founder – The Spanish cavalier must abandon his guitar and serenade his beloved with a phonograph under his arm
3. Hariod – Gang culture
4. Museworthy Man – About a Blog
5. Jess – Through the Eye of the Bleat
6. The Shame Spiral – Crafting the Disguise.
and the winner is……..*hand rolled ‘tween a virgin’s thighs…...Museworthy Man! presents him with a cornucopia full of old socks and a twenty five foot high garden ornament in the shape of sonmi howling at the Moon like a wild wolf, to place on his lawn to worship day and night and remember her by.
Let us now take a moment to consider the poets in our midst, the weavers of the bestest like ever verses to pass before the all seeing eye of the Cloud – there are many nominees for this one, and all are most deserving (probably).
‘The wonderful and most excellent bodacious poetry award’
1. Rachel Svendsen- Stolen Laughter
2. Peter the Vegan – Tired
3. Jared – Remnants of a Poet – Houses
4. sonmi – ALL OF THEM (*hides behind the Cloud)
5. Robbrownaswood – Mishmash Poems
6. MB Moore – A Pause Between Worlds
7. Doobster (only kidding he really hates poetry hahaha) – I don’t like poetry
8. Anarette – Facing the Winds
9. Museworthy Man – The Inkling Sylph
10. Miriam Louisa – Think on this, whispered the candlelight
11. Michael S. DeBurger – 18% Grey
12.Megdekorne – Poetry Love Crown – The Visionary
13.Gerean Pflug – Just As Scared As You
14. Jack Horrochild – Some Had Their Doubts
15. Valour of a Hare – The Stolen Wild
16. Dtdeedge. – cracked sky – revisit
17. Dale Harness – The Fox and the Princess
18. The Vigilant Lens – American
19. Jeff Nguyen – The bluest persuasion
I seem to have surrounded myself with poets, how did that happen?! And the winner is……..*steamroller.…..Jared – Remnants of a Poet! …….What deuce?!! This is an outrage! ..er…I mean, well done that man ffs. places a crown of soggy cornflakes upon his head frowning, shoves a large exploding cigar in his mouth and smacks his back real hard
An area close to sonmi’s heart now…
‘The Most impassioned freedom fighter in the field (and highway) for the prevention of cruelty to animals and all beasties.’
One who speaks for those who cannot.
And the winner is…….*droll trolls……Oh bollocks to that, they all win for they all fight!!! Emy, Peter Schreiner, Donna and Gerean! presents Emy with a decanter of starlight, and a pocket full of belly button fluff, gives Peter a large bowl of spotted dick, and a signed photograph of Bigfoot, and treats Gerean and Donna to a night partying with Penguins against the backdrop of the Southern Lights – aurora australis.
Number thirteen, unlucky for some! Or all those who missed out on this award in this case –
‘The cats’ mother of invention and ingenious, resourceful contraptions mad inventor award’ .
The candidates will have shown great ingenuity and skill when necessity has become the mother of invention, and she’s brought round the sister of resourcefulness and the cleaner of Uncle doodads.
And the winner is…..*log roll.…….Dale Harkness! ducks as The President and Founder throws a rotting cabbage at her head whilst ‘boo-ing’ loudly Well done Dale! gives him a giant bag full of old bits of Lego, steel washers, empty ink cartridges and carrots (inventors eat just like you and I folks).
For those who need it – If you’d like to take a siesta about now, have your afternoon nap or go for a wee in order to then come back refreshed for the second half – please do. I’ll not be impressed if any of the velvet seat covers display mysterious ‘stainage’ specifically eyes certain members of the audience suspiciously.
A short interval occurs where everyone complains to each other about the lack of a bar, the state of the toilets, and all the hail and thunder in the balcony seats making a racket. In the background sonmi belts out ‘Hey Big Spender’ acapella and waves the cloth cap around a lot.
Welcome back folks.
Next, another lifetime achievement award for…
‘A life spent promoting world peace and kindness’
This lady has no less than five blogs devoted to this cause, (probably more I know nothing of as well) and manages them all despite having fought cancer successfully, and of late, having her accounts hacked! What a marvellous woman! An award well deserved Donna Jones! (Gator Woman) *wraps a blanket of starlight around her shoulders and places a crown woven from the leaves of the Tumtum Tree upon her head.
Dashing into our arms on a Penny Farthing we now have the award for…
‘Best ‘About’ in the Universe’.
We’re talking about those small descriptions of who a blogger is, their interests, their philosophies, the ins and outs of the cat’s bum so far as intricate details go, which hint at what to expect when you push the creaking door of their blog open and venture in. Now, myself and the Cloud have come across some perfectly nice ‘abouts’, but this award has bugger all to do with nice. What we’re looking for is arresting, unsettling perhaps, but most importantly they differ from the norm and are perhaps a little….curious.
The nominees are……
And the winner is…….*roller-coaster…...sonmi! sonmi jumps up and down in her seat completely taken by surprise, tears of joy running down her face and happily accepts her prize – (A psychedelic morph suit and life time supply of kazoos. ) The camera pans to Professor V.J who appears to be swearing violently and then makes some frankly disgusting hand signals aimed at sonmi, then over to Museworthy Man who is seen first crying, then mooning angrily at her, then over to The President and Founder who has thrown his popcorn to the floor, pooed on his chair in protest and is storming out the door. Peter is very pleased for sonmi and warmly shakes her hand.
So…..that went well.
Now, rolling towards us in an enormous Zorb Ball we have…
‘The Infinitely Fabulous ‘Tell us a story Rory’ Fiction Award’
Everyone loves a good story yes? *waits, listens, and hears only tumbleweed. Thanks folks, I’m working this whole shebang on my sweeney todd here you know! hears a rumbling from the Cloud – er…almost. Many bloggers write stories, and lots of them are bloody awful. Some however are a absolute joy, and the following nominees fit into that category. The fiction/stories may not necessarily fit into the established parameters for short stories, but it is my party and I’ll (de)scribe what I want to.
1. Dale Harkness – Left Turns Only
2. Rachel Svendsen – Amazing Alliteration Adventures: Act I
3. Peter the Vegan – The Tree of Knowledge
4. Hariod – A friend seeks contentment the heavenly way
5. The President and Founder – Ah Fiddlesticks!
6. Museworthy Man – Hacked Hackles…
7. Nobody Knows Jan – How Pikmins Came to Be
8. Valour of a Hare – Breakfast
9. MB Moore – The Major and Darcy Weaver, Chapter One
And the winner is……..from a black hole…..Rachel! *presents her with half a pound of tuppenny rice, half a pound of treacle, Zeus’s yo-yo and a to scale model of Angkor Wat
The next award is a unique affair, in as much as I’d be willing to bet the contents of the Cloud’s vast library upon the assumption that such an award has never previously been presented in blog-land. (I may well set off a craze mind you, so should you be perusing this long after the fact, and have indeed seen said award on other blogs…I did it first, so all bets are off, m’kay?).
Wobbling in happily on a unicycle we have the award for….
‘Best Weirdy Beardy Wearer*’.
*The Urban dictionary definition of a ‘Weirdy Beardy’ is – ‘A man with a full-facial mustachio pistachio’ (also see Dr Who Christmas special). This award does not signify you have a freakoid beard, it means you have a very, very nice beard, sitting upon the face of a highly unusual person. Beards have become quite a hit with the young people in these modern times, but they rarely sport them so well as the following gentlemen;
A motley crew if ever I saw one. And the winner is***………roll out the barrel….Another double entendre! Museworthy Man (there’s red in them there hills), and Peter the Vegan (bringing a bit of class to the table). presents Museworthy Man with Plato’s favourite flip flops (bit worn but serviceable) and a personal pixie who specialises in beard trimming and care for the span of one whole year (she follows you round carrying a tiny comb and scissors attending to your every whim (chin bristle-wise). Has a voice like Sue Pollard and a face like a wrestlers armpit mind), and hands Peter a bag of magic beans, forty lords-a -leaping and a woollen spatula knitted by Heriod, then sends them both out of the nearest exit for spork to spork combat.
*** If any of the ladies have a beard and are willing to send a photograph, this category’s winner may be re-assessed.
And next up….
‘The Most Preternatural and Peculiar Post Title’.
Not simply wry, or purely amusing, but bat-shit crazy too.
1. Bones Don’t Lie – Where do vampires come from? Isotopic analysis of the Drawsko Vampires
2. The President and Founder – It was envisaged (by a council of wise elders) that I would appear riding upon the creature’s back under a waxing crescent moon
3. Jess – Wallflowers Smoke Crack for Breakfast
4. Doobster – My vagina is losing its appeal
5. Dale Harkness – THE COLOR OF MY NECK
6. Robin Ince – “Oh let me get my hands on your mammary glands, but pray god, never let it be known they have a function”, gasped Morrissey, as he rode pillion on on his Vespa
7. The Vigilant Lens – Maybe the Wolf ate your Baby
And the winner is…. *roly poly pudding.…..Robin Ince! hands over The Minotaur’s jockstrap and a balloon in the shape of Ricky Gervais’s cat.
And last but not leastly, the crowd roar with utter relief we have…
‘The award for the most unfeasibly amusing, cunning as a fox, inspiring and generally awesome comments’.
The nominees are;
3. The president and Founder
4. Dale Harkness
5. Peter the Vegan
And the winner is…….out on parole……Two unusual suspects! The President and Founder and Peter the Vegan! throws the cabbage back at The President and Founder, and gives him the key to an old iron safety deposit box buried deep underneath the ‘big double-you’ on Kepler 5, and presents Peter with a jar of auspicious laughs and a pair of the finest marzipan boots. They both hold up previously bloodied sporks and smile
You’ve been a great crowd, no, really, you have. I’m here all week, possibly all year, (next time it’s fifty quid to get in mind you).
Please feel free to post your acceptance speeches below, (profanity, general rowdiness and abject grovelling gratitude are all allowed, nay positively encouraged). All fury, indignation, tears and tantrums – I refer you back to my agent at the beginning of the post.
And here to play us out, we have the magnificent….Jesus and the Miracles!! Take it away J.C!
*sonmi exits stage left as the crowd go wild – trying to get out of the exits.
The credits roll up the screen in no particular order….
Doobster – Mindful Digressions
Peter the Vegan – Crows Head Soup
Gerean Pflug – The Animal Spirits
Tom Pride – Pride’s Purge
The President and Founder – The Illimitable Ocean of Inexplicability
Michael S. DeBurger (masodo) – Blogdogit
Museworthy Man – Something Museworthy
Emy – Fur Out of the Closet
Hariod – Contentedness.net
Jared – The Remnants of a Poet
Dale Harkness – The Shoddy Onion
Jess – A World Named Jessie
Niried – Foureyedspirit
Professor V.J – The Punchy Lands
Robin Ince – Robinince’s Blog
Jared – The Remnants of a Poet
Rachel Svendsen- Once Upon a Time
MW Moore – Shedding “Spaz” Status
dtdeege – An Etude in Writing
Jack Horrorchild – The Illimitable Ocean of Inexplicability
Michael S. DeBurger (masodo)- Blogdogit
Jeff Nguyen – Deconstructing Myths
Robbrownaswood – Ramblings of a Dire Strait Man
Mbman – The Thought Zone