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(*Contains nudity, violence, that which may be deemed blasphemy, inappropriate random links, and is packed with general cheekiness and swear words that may offend. Also, the chances of the following making any sense at all to anyone who has never seen a pantomime are nil. Zero. Just go home now with your pride intact and we’ll say no more about it.)

Esme strides into the parish hall wearing large cream jodhpurs, knee-length black boots, a beret, and waving a directors megaphone about in her right hand. The left wields a riding crop. She is also wearing an eye-patch for naught but dramatic effect. She perches herself in a director’s chair upon the Cloud which then floats up into the air above the stage and surveys the bunch of oddballs before her with a sharp eye.

Esme – “Right! Let’s get this shambles together people!! Last weekend I left you all with a great deal to work on, show me what you’ve got – its show-time!!”

The curtains open on what can only be called ‘rather disturbing stuff’. Hieronymus Bosch himself would flinch at the sight. The scenery consists of a stable, situated in what appears to be a palace ballroom, there are several people dressed as barnyard animals wandering about on all fours, Aladdin’s cave is stage left and contains only two of Ali Baba’s forty thieves, (JunkChuck and Victoria N℮üґ☼N☮☂℮ṧ), both of them are trying to look ferocious in fezzes. They are failing.  The backdrop is something that passes, barely, as the night sky.

Centre stage we have the baby Jesus in his manger. Makagutu is playing Jesus, he’s wearing a giant nappy and lying in the manger sipping tea. Jessie is the manger.

Makagutu is arguing with Ark as to who should have got the role of Jesus, because Ark says he is not being ‘fucking Buttons’. He proclaims I am an actual God though, that’s my name, Arkenaten!  I should be Jesus!”  Makagatu points out that they both know Jesus does not, nor has ever existed, so it is a moot point and looks very smug. Buttons swings a punch at the baby Jesus, misses, hits the manger’s arm and is suddenly attacked by a parrot called ‘Manu’ that Jessie had hidden in her pants.

Out of the wings swiftly comes Dick. Whittington that is, played by Rough Seas, she is enjoying slapping her thigh so much she trips over her pussy, (in boots), who is played by Professor Taboo. He rubs his head happily around her calves purring and mewing. Dick reaches in for a quick tickle and nicks some catnip. A voice sounding remarkably like Hariod’s shouts from the wings – No-one does Dick as well as you Rough Seas! – he then scarpers. RS takes out of her thigh boots a small, worn black book and begins writing in it, muttering darkly.

Back to the Nativity scene – Rachel as Mary, is doing her best to ignore the pussy and Dick business and attempts to speak her lines, but the Pantomime cow, (who doubles as cattle a lowing of course), knocks her backwards, over the manger (Jessie) and into the orchestra pit. The cow is all over the show. Emy is the front half, (an ideal choice, loving animals as she does, and absolutely no slur intended, she is certainly no ‘cow’ in real life folks esme looks at her legal advisers who nod back), and Peter The Vegan is the back-end. He’s not entirely sure which part of Emy he should be holding onto in there so is grasping her ears. They fall over sideways and he emerges to complain that someone keeps pulling at his udders and trying “to fucking milk me”. He is eyeing Miriam (dressed as a the Star of Bethlehem and very red of face) suspiciously.

The three wise guys, Tubular Sock, Vigilant lens and Donzo line up and begin to sing Christmas carols –

OHHHH…..Jingle Bells
Esme Smells
Rough Seas Laid an Egg
Father Christmas showed his arse
On the motorway…hey!!

Followed swiftly by the very moving;

“We Three Kings Of Orient are
Selling knickers from the back of a car
They’re fantastic, no elastic
Buy your granny a pair.”

Just as they are about launch into another one about dirty shepherds, the Moon farts so loudly they’re all shocked into silence. The Moon is Museworthy Man, who has taken his role a tad too literally and is just an arse sticking out of a hole cut in the backcloth. He explains that the farting is merely political commentary re the moron Donald ‘Trump, and also partly a protest against having missed out on being a wise guy by a whisker. Everyone is desperately hoping this particular protest doesn’t evolve into a dirty one.

Missing his cue by a mile Hariod runs on from stage right and shouts “ HELLO EVERYBODY, I’M WIDOW WANKY!” And the prompt – Fiction Fan, hisses back  “Twankey not wanky you knob!” The Widow Wanky defiantly begins to sing “I am what I am – We hear Mary crying from within a Tuba.

Hariod gathers himself together and twirls. He is resplendent in yellow knickerbockers, a frilly red and white polkerdot chemise, and a corset fashioned from the hair of forty Buddhist monks. Upon his head he sports a blonde, ringlet-filled wig that would make Danny La Rue vomit. His make-up is…startling to say the least, and reminiscent of Leigh Bowery in his heyday – all in all he looks like Divine’s younger, bitchier, sister and keeps looking into a hand mirror, blowing kisses at himself and winking.

Some dark music ensues and Mikesteeden in his role as the evil Baron Von Hardon slips up the rear of Widow Wanky and everyone shouts “He’s behind you!!!” utterly horrified. Miriam the Star passes out, and lets go of the rope which is holding her up next to the Moon, she takes out DonnaAnnarette and Jan (who are dressed as very bored palm trees), a small donkey (Tina –  not making an ass of herself at all), a cotton wool covered Rabirius (meant to be a sheep, looks more like a yeti with a terrible skin condition), and Victo – the Wicked Stepmother – on her way down and everyone crashes to the floor in a messy pile.

It is noted that Mike has put a great deal of thought into his ‘baddie’ costume and has a pointy black beard, a mustache made from pipe-cleaners, and a tall stove-pipe hat. He is clearly enjoying the sight of Widow Wankey’s enormous boobs and leans in to give them a quick squeeze. Shirley, (Mike’s other half), pokes a huge long hook out from the wings and drags him off stage, having finally found his meds.

Enter Red Riding Hood (M.M.G looking radiant in a red cape and carrying a basket full of doughnuts, several of which are stuffed in her gob ) – she is fiercely pursued by The Big Bad Wolf (Professor V.J. Duke loving his role), who is waving a Katana about in the air and howling.

Esme shouts “Where’s my Prince Charming?!” And is told that Weggieboy had to suddenly go and feed his cats – his understudy, John Zande is leaning against the stable, smiling in an evil fashion whilst opening a flick-knife repeatedly. He has a jacket with ‘Prince Jay-Zee’ scrawled across the back. Esme develops a small twitch.

Porter Girl pops up from behind the stable as Aladdin and begins to rub her magic lamp furiously. The lamp is played by The President and Founder who is covered from head to toe in black plastic bin bags in an attempt to appear partially invisible. Certain parts of his body (meat and two veg), are sticking out of the bags and have been painted gold. Aladdin, none the wiser, continues to rub and rub. The lamp is having a fucking ball.

Suddenly the genie appears, falling from the ceiling as his winch breaks. Tis masodo – he is painted green and wearing an old tasselled cushion on his head, held in place with string, and nowt else but bright pink hareem pants, a small glittering waistcoat and a gold thong. He looks like the happiest man in the world. (Barring the P&F). Everyone wants the free wishes and rush the Genie.

Pandemonium breaks out…

Ark has shed his Buttons costume and is now dressed as God – wearing a long white dress, sandals, a curly white wig, and a big fuck-off beard. He’s strangling Jesus shouting “I am your father!” in the voice of Darth Vader. Several dozen butterflies and spiders are making a bid for freedom from beneath his robes. Jesus is swearing and putting two fingers up at God whilst The Star of Bethlehem kicks God up the bum. (When Esme later questions Ark as to where his new costume is from, he admits he dresses up as God at the weekends to have a laugh at the expense of believers but says it’s all ‘just harmless fun’ and the police charges were all unsubstantiated.) Baron Von Hardon is humping Widow Wankey’s leg, whilst she sings ‘I’m Just a Girl Who Can’t Say No‘ and looks quite flattered. The Moon is now a rather blushing one as twud seem he has had an unfortunate ‘accident’ involving some ‘follow through’ after farting the tune to ‘The Eye of the Tiger’ a little more forcefully than intended, the produce of which lands squarely on Aladdin’s lamp. The lamp isn’t laughing anymore and shouts some unspeakable curses at him, involving a plague of paper clips and the contents of a mysterious box tied with string. Tis all in vain mind you, as The Moon has fled the scene shouting apologies as he pegs it. A palm tree reports having seen him eating some dodgy moussaka earlier that day.The plot thickens, sadly, tis some other plot rather than the one of the actual show.  Manu the parrot is flying around the room screeching “Who’s a fucking twat then?” While Dick calls him a ‘Big feathery misogynist git’ and writes his name down in the previously mentioned little black book, adding it to the others from today’s performance who shall ‘all pay soon’ apparently. Her pussy is brushing it’s hair with a comb into a neat side-parting and smiling happily, a skill that commands some admiration from the director.
For no apparent reason, and despite the fact that he hasn’t actually got a part in the show, The Philosopher Mouse of the Hedge appears dressed as Elton John sucking a lollipop and waves at the audience. The Angel Gabriel (Yahooey), wanders into the melee smoking a huge joint, and tells everyone to just “chill out man”, lies down on the straw littered floor and starts munching on a Mars bar whilst quoting Plato. The Magic Carpet flies in (Jessie again giving yet another outstanding performance), and joins The Big Bad Wolf on top of the stable – they hold each other tight and begin to sing the theme from Titanic –  which of them is supposed to be Kate Winslet is a mystery.

Having washed himself off The President and Founder strides back in proclaiming that he is now Charles Dickens, because being the lamp was literally shit. He’s dragging behind him Tiny Tim, ( e-Tinkerbell), and Scrooge (Peter.J.Thomas) by the ears. Tiny Tim is carrying a giant set of step ladders (as the props department was fresh out of crutches) under one arm, and clutching an enormous slab of Tofurkey under the other, Scrooge is the nicest Scrooge to ever exist and is offering everyone a biscuit whilst wishing he was very far away. Meg Dekorne is clad in angel garb and trying to kiss everyone singing “You don’t bring me Flowers anymore”

Mary climbs out of the tuba, separates the Baby Jesus and God and tries to lift Jesus up in the swaddling to burp him, she falls sideways, and pulls the curtains down by mistake, covering the whole, sad debacle.

Esme sighs, (she is now dressed as Miss Havisham as the above has aged her so much), She pulls out a giant kazoo and blows it loudly.

Everyone stops in their tracks.

Esme – “ Well, that was quite something wasn’t it? First night tomorrow evening and hey…what can go wrong?!!”

The cast march off the stage announcing that they’re going en mass to the pub, because this is all bollocks and really rubbish compared to the Cloudies last year!!

Esme “Oh no it isn’t!”

The revolting crowdOh yes it bloody is!”

esme agrees sadly and says she’ll make it up to everyone by adding links to their blogs, honest guv. She chucks the loudhailer over her shoulder, raises her eye patch and joins them, keeping the riding crop in her pocket in case anyone starts in the pub

And they all lived ‘Happily Ever After!’

The End.


(Anyone who wishes to be removed from the production need only say, their wish, is of course esme's command, those who feel they've been left out, count your blessings folks) *she takes a final bow, and pegs it out of there, very, very quickly*

Happy Christmas From Esme and The Cloud!


Christmas on the Cloud..